Monthly Archives: September 2011

Dark Clouds Over Manhattan

Pretty sure I’m about five seconds away from getting sucked into the sky. NBD.

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Filed under Around Town, Picture of the Day, WORST Things Ever

“Everything You Know is Wrong,” and Other Lessons I Learned from my Trainer

I'll take "Things I Can't Do" for $200.

As a Passport Card-carrying member of New York Sports Club, I will proudly say that exercise is the most important meal of the day. Switching over from the Boston Sports Club at the beginning of this month, I was excited about the bevy of classes and fitness advantages I would be getting as a member, including the free fitness evaluation I was offered when I signed up. “Do you want an ass-kicker, or someone who’s going to baby you?” the manager asked as he filled out my profile form. “Oh, an ass-kicker,” I responded, so confident, so cool. Kelly, stick to what you know. You are neither of these things. And, as always, be careful what you wish for.

I approached my evaluation with some trepidation. I was nervous that the trainer would ask me to do something really hard and I’d fail miserably, never to work out again for the rest of my life. I don’t know where that was coming from, since I’ve been working out my whole life, but I know I’m not the world’s greatest athlete, and there are things I don’t do as well as others. I blame my parents for having very low muscle mass. I’m not saying they’re not in shape, because they very much are, but all three of us are just really, really white.

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Filed under About Me, Weight Loss Journey, WORST Things Ever

Dancing with the Stars: Now that World Peace is Out of the Picture, Let’s Get the Competition Going!

So Ron Artest is gone, which means I can finally unclench my butt cheeks. Seriously. He scared me like no other. He was involved in that Detroit Pistons/Indianapolis Pacers brawl right? Yeah, this is what I’m saying. It looks like we’re doing the Quickstep and Jive tonight, which is super fun because these are my two favorite dances. They’re fast and furious – no wonder the opening package showed everyone passing out. I’m excited!

Hope Solo, Jive: Hope is playing soccer and dancing, and I just think this is ludicrous. She’s having a tough time kicking correctly, because all she wants to do is kick a ball. You guyyyyysss! Maks and Hope are dressed up like soccer players. Well, something like that. And they’re kind of all over the place. Maybe it’s because her sneakers are high heels! It just kind of looks like she’s jumping all over the place. It was silly. And I didn’t love it.

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Filed under BEST Things Ever, TV FANatic

Can Someone Tell Me What This is All About?

I mean, are they chips or are they wings? If I’m craving chips, why would I eat these wing-like Ruffles? If I’m craving wings, why would I eat chips? Maybe they aren’t chips. There’s no chips involved anywhere in this advertisement. Maybe Ruffles has branched out into different types of junk snack foods. I don’t know. There’s no telling. But I can say that I shouldn’t pump gas late at night.

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Filed under Around Town

I’m Fairly Certain My Parents are Trying to Sabotage My Living with Them

Just realized there's a hidden message to the right of my arm.

It’s been a whole three weeks (three weeks you guys!) since I moved back in with my parents, and the shenanigans these two are pulling can only lead me to believe that the sooner they get me out of the house the happier they’ll be to go back to their previous life of solitude and Wheel of Fortune.

As only parents can, Jeanie and Den have taken to passive aggressively making it clear that my being home has thrown a wrench into their routine (Note: walking on the treadmill for 60 minutes a day and taking a shower should not constitute as a routine), so I’ve taken it upon myself to list all their antics here. You see this? I’m on to you both.

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Filed under About Me, BEST Things Ever, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related, WORST Things Ever

This Whole Big East/ACC Business Has Got Me All Upset

I'm just fed up, Jim.

Approximately 7 wonderful years ago, I was a junior at Boston College. I was working, as most of you know, as a manager for the men’s basketball team, and the school and athletic department had just recently cut a deal to move from their ingrained spot in the Big East to the every-shade-of-blue ACC.

Well, there were some people who didn’t take this news well. And by some people, I mean UConn basketball coach Jim Calhoun. So while BC did their farewell tour of the Big East Conference schools in the winter of 2004-2005, Jim Calhoun continued to spew venom our way. And I’m pretty sure he vowed he would never, ever, play us again. Ever.

Well that’s going to be pretty tough when your campaign to join the ACC ends up being successful, isn’t it Jimmy?

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Filed under College Basketball Is My First Love, WORST Things Ever

Dancing with the Stars Season 13: Where Men are Men and Women are Men!

And we’re back! I’m so excited about this season of DWTS I can barely contain myself. K. Cav will definitely be bitching people out, David Arquette is a loose canon, and Chaz Bono had to become a man to find his fair share of sequins, when God knows he could have just looked in his mother’s closet. And Derek Hough is back! Things could not be better!

Ugh. Except that Brooke is still around, but with a new last name. I hope this makes her more endearing to me. The competitors are coming down the stairs. Nancy Grace is wearing a blazer, which can only mean there’s a snazzy dress underneath! Ron Artest (excuse me, Metta World Peace) is the scariest of all scary. And there’s a new ballroom! Steeper stairs! I wonder if George Clooney is watching?

Ok, Jeanie’s crying. She missed these guys so much. Let’s get this recap going!

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Filed under BEST Things Ever, TV FANatic

Finally, New York City Gets a Little Weird

Poor thing.

It’s been exactly two weeks since I moved to my company’s New York office, and so far I’ve only noticed two things: 1) the Flatiron/Gramercy area is very nice and 2) Westchester commuters are very boring. Not once has anyone broken into an argument a la the Angry Engaged Couple. I haven’t seen one homeless person try to board the train with excrement (their own? I’m not sure) down his leg. And none of the Metro North conductors have just thrown me off the train on a whim.

I was starting to get fairly sick of this consistency.

Oh, until today, when walking a few blocks to get my ritual turkey sandwich became some kind of urban grail quest. I swear to God I almost died. And it goes a little something like this. Hit it.

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Filed under Around Town, WORST Things Ever

The Streets of Heaven are too Crowded with Angels

It wasn’t lost on me that I would be moving back to New York very close to the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks. I wrote last year about what that day was like for me, and how it changed my world. Because 9/11 had such an impact on me and my family, I thought it was only right that I pay a visit to the Ground Zero site this weekend.

The last time I was at Ground Zero was 2001. I remember the posters and pictures of loved ones who were still missing. They were posted for blocks, on the walls of buildings, on the gates of Trinity Church. Although at the time we all kept up hope, 10 years later, many, if not all of those people were never to be found. I remember people crowding the streets. So many people had flocked to Ground Zero 10 years ago. I remember piles of rubble.

10 years later, the posters are gone. The flocks of people have subsided. New, and might I add, beautiful buildings have been built. But even though a decade has passed, there’s still rubble. 10 years later, there’s still a hole in New York City.

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Filed under Memorials

Moving Back in with my Parents Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Don't worry about us. We'll just freeze out here.

Way back when, I was a mere 5-years old, and I used to attend something at my elementary school called “Extended Day.” For a few hours after the school day was over, a student could go to Extended Day to play, do homework, and wait for their working parents to pick them up. However, even an extended day wasn’t enough for my parents, who were constantly late getting me. It frustrated everyone, and before you start making excuses for them, sit tight. I’m painting a picture.

So one particular time, the Extended Day lady had decided she was fed up with my parents being late, and, because she had a second job that she had to be at at 5 p.m. (I know, dumb scheduling, lady) she flat left me at the school, locking me into the building with a carpenter who was there installing new windows. And we all know that carpenters in elementary schools are just masks for child molesters and kidnappers, so basically my life was in jeopardy. And when my mom flipped out and got the Extended Day lady fired, I was forever traumatized by the whole experience, meaning I get the sweats anytime it appears I’m going to be late for something. Also, I feel funny around carpenters.

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Filed under About Me, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related, WORST Things Ever