I'll take "Things I Can't Do" for $200.
As a Passport Card-carrying member of New York Sports Club, I will proudly say that exercise is the most important meal of the day. Switching over from the Boston Sports Club at the beginning of this month, I was excited about the bevy of classes and fitness advantages I would be getting as a member, including the free fitness evaluation I was offered when I signed up. “Do you want an ass-kicker, or someone who’s going to baby you?” the manager asked as he filled out my profile form. “Oh, an ass-kicker,” I responded, so confident, so cool. Kelly, stick to what you know. You are neither of these things. And, as always, be careful what you wish for.
I approached my evaluation with some trepidation. I was nervous that the trainer would ask me to do something really hard and I’d fail miserably, never to work out again for the rest of my life. I don’t know where that was coming from, since I’ve been working out my whole life, but I know I’m not the world’s greatest athlete, and there are things I don’t do as well as others. I blame my parents for having very low muscle mass. I’m not saying they’re not in shape, because they very much are, but all three of us are just really, really white.
This is what my workouts look like in my head.
One pound down, nine to go. After gorging myself with junk food two weeks ago, I’ve since reformed, and this week managed an impressive weight loss. All while starting my half-marathon training! So far things are looking up.
I went for my first run on Sunday, and was in a panic because the last time I ran any kind of distance I was about 19 and only did it because I trying to watch the Army lacrosse team practice at Shea Field. I was also into spray tanning that summer – so with this half marathon training was coming a lot of teenage indiscretions I’d rather block out, thank you.
I’m not even going to go into specifics about how much I ate over the past week, and how much weight I gained (clearly, the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing). I will tell you, however, that I ate at Eagle’s Deli twice on Sunday, and as most of you know, this is the worst possible thing you could do for weight loss, your heart, your digestive system, your skin and basically any type of overall health. For breakfast, I ordered a #6, which is basically one of everything. And for dinner I had mozzarella sticks and french fries forced upon me by my cousin Elizabeth (you know her as the cute girl behind the register). Ugh. Even if I hadn’t eaten anything for the next four days it still would have been a gain week. So to punish myself for it, I’ve decided to run a half marathon.