Tag Archives: States of Emergency

by | May 3, 2012 · 9:23 am

This is a Thing that Happened

And just in case I’m eventually arrested, I want to make sure my side of the story is heard.

So Audrey and I were innocently discussing the new Pizza Hut Crown Crust pizza via gchat on Wednesday. While not discussing matters of national security, we’re usually talking about other really important things, like Crown Crust pizza, Mark Titus, weaves, the Mighty Ducks movie franchise, Whitney Houston and Keurig coffee makers. We talked about all of these things Wednesday, in fact. Anyway, Crown Crust pizza was the second most disgusting thing I had heard of this week, and I decided to tell Audrey all about the first most disgusting thing:

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by | April 30, 2012 · 10:25 am

Birth Watch 2012: Jessica Simpson and Her One Baby that Will Actually Be Two

Photo courtesy of TMZ.com

Last year I wrote of my concern for Natalie Portman, who had gone through an entire awards season with a baby bump the size of a YMCA bag of basketballs, and had yet to give birth. Little people can’t carry around that much weight! This year, it’s Jessica Simpson who is the object of my attention, and it seems I’m not the only one mesmerized by her 12-month pregnancy – Chelsea Handler and Katy Perry have also voiced their concerns, as have Lindsey Pearse and Kate Poff, who are less famous, but just as important.

Jessica Simpson announced her pregnancy in October 2011. I believe it was Halloween and she was dressed up as a mummy, which is also British for “mommy,” so there was a play on words going on too. By my calculations, that was six-plus months ago. Generally, women don’t find out they’re pregnant until around the two-month mark. And they don’t announce it until at least the three-month mark. Add that all together and we’re right up on 40 weeks and that baby needs to come out or Jessica is going to explode.

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by | January 28, 2012 · 3:43 pm

Deportation: It Can Happen to You

Or anyone, really.

So I’m a little behind on my news because I moved and I have no internet in my new apartment (Time Warner comes on Tuesday and then I’m going to be killing life people) and work has been crazy and well, that’s it really. But I was recently reading this story about a teenage American girl who was erroneously deported to Mexico in May 2011 and was just let back into the States in January. This may sound extraordinary to some of you – implausible, you may say – but I am here to tell you that the line between unassuming American citizen and being arrested as an illegal alien is very thin. I should know.

Like any plucky and enthusiastic teenager, I made my parents take me to the DMV the day I turned 16 so I could get my learner’s permit. What a day! After years of driving my parents around town illegally I was finally going to have a piece of paper to hand over to the police when they pulled me over. I could not have been more excited.

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